Friday, August 04, 2006

From The Deep

This will probably just be a rant session, but it's been a while and I need it. So many things in life that I wish to do, or plan to someday do, but really feel that I cannot. I want to write a book. I know I have much to write about, I just keep putting it off. It's always "you're you, you have time to write the book" or "nobody will pick it up, so what's the point?". What's the point........? I don't know, maybe by the end of this I'll have a better clearer picture.

There are things we wish for and desire, and there are things deep down that we just know were meant to be. Writing that book is a deep down knowing. Along with a few other things, I know this is supposed to happen. Don't ask me how I know, because I couldn't tell you. If you have any type of self-awareness, then you know what I'm saying.

Another, and possibly more important, is spiritual enlightenment. Actually, that book is probably connected, and one of the pathways along that journey. I feel that it's mean for me to end my life cycles here, once and for all. I have an understanding of many things, and wonder why this come so natural. I can see myself in the shoes of all walks of life. Maybe that means I've been there. I can tell you this, through this lifetime I have not firsthandedly experienced most of these things. Yet I have an understanding.

I go through many phases, only to come full circle back to this. There is a greater meaning for my being here. I shall find it. The last step is to accept myself as a spiritual being, and let that out. So often I spend my days trying to supress it, my human urges winning out. Often feeling as if I have no heart. I get knocked down, and stay there. Yet, that spiritual being is quite patient, and very persistent.

My human aspect tries to subdue this other being. Thinking itself successful, I go on a rampage of self destruction. Only to break down, with the spirit in me waiting patiently. If that isn't God working in me, then God does not exist. Nothing else would explain this phenomena. God is the spirit in me. The spirit is getting stronger, making these cycles circle around quicker. The spirit is growing ever closer to be what I am here to be.

Ranting or not, this has helped. I needed to gather my thoughts, look at them in black and white, and come to my own conclusions. Which, I have done. This is a main part of why I write. It's hard to bullshit myself under these circumstances. My writing, to me, is like a mirror. Some people get up every morning and look themselves in the mirror to see who stares back at them. I write, and do the very same thing.

Ah, thankyou for this release. Thankyou, anyone, for listening. And if at some point I look back and realize that I've gotten nothing out of my writings here, hopefully you have.